On How to Dress Non-European Legs

IMG_6754Sometimes you have no choice but to accept certain truths and find yourself an appeasing alternative. From the comfort of hindsight I can relay that cigarette trousers would never look good on my pear shaped body, regardless of how much I adore the cut. I stick with an alternative that’s appeasing to all parties concerned, my pear shaped body included. That’s skinny thigh slimming high-waisted jeans.

It does the trick of affording me in-nomination of thighs and hips albeit temporary and for that I am eternally grateful. The alternative would have been ugly soul wrenching boot cut, or so experts on how to dress for your body shape tell me. Just writing it I feel a bit of me died (obviously it wouldn’t be thighs).

Dressing what I like to call non-European legs can be quite daunting. There is much more technicalities to it. More things to consider in order to fit a non-European pear shaped legs into a European shaped trousers. The waist size should be a size smaller if the length is longer than usual. If the waist is the right size the length should still be an inch longer. Never fold the hems more than once. Always fold the hems inwards. The wash should always be dark. Extra stretchy. Pockets at the right angle from hips. No embellishments. No cuts. No fraying. Nothing too busy!

As you grow older this little old thing called metabolism refuses to cooperate as if you don’t have enough ageing setbacks to deal with. It wants to challenge you not when you were young and free but now that you are older and busier than ever (in my case lazier than ever). You have to sweat it out whereas before you didn’t have to do anything about it: just continue with operation abuse thy body and still look good.

After years of feasting on dry burnt toast for breakfast every morning, free bowel movement is a thing of the past. Add lactose and gluten intolerance to the mix and hey presto you look like you have been permanently pregnant for the past 4 years.

Oh the joy!

And if that wasn’t cruel enough some wicked person out there decided that midriff bearing should be fashionable once more.

Oh you meanie!